One of my new readers, Theresa, posted a comment on my last blog post, and in her comment she asked why we had ultimately decided that adoption wasn't for us as we went through our journey to a second child together. Frankly, I was surprised to find that I hadn't ever really addressed that along the way here, because we did talk about and consider it in weighing all of our options, but apparently I never did get around to addressing that. Which is why I will address it now, in answer to Theresa's question. (Thanks, Theresa!)
Super Man and I never imagined it would take us forever and a day to conceive the second child we always wanted together. When the first year of trying to conceive passed with no pregnancy to speak of, we started to talk about all the "what ifs" and "what would we dos" if our efforts on our own continued to be unsuccessful. It was never a situation where we had one conversation and laid out the master plan at the end of it and said "it's this or nothing!" It was a long, drawn-out conversation that led to a loose plan that changed a bit here and there as circumstances changed.
Some things to consider before I answer the question:
-- From the time I met Super Man in 1998, he already had a child from his first marriage, Super Girl. She was 7 when Super Boy was born and 10 when we started trying for a second baby together. Super Man pays child support for Super Girl (now 15) in addition to being the sole bread-winner in our family.
-- Super Man and I were already blessed with one child together, Super Boy. He was 3 when we started trying for a second baby together, and is almost 8 now (will turn 8 right after our baby girl is born).
-- I was working full-time when we first started trying for another baby, but dropped to part-time in the second year of trying to conceive, and then left my job entirely to be a stay-at-home mom by the third year of trying to conceive. This left us with a reduced second income for a year and then NO second income for the 3 years since. Our financial situation today is way different than it was in 2006 when we started trying for this baby.
-- I was 32 and Super Man was 40 when we started trying for a second baby; I am now 37 and Super Man will turn 45 in two weeks.
And now, to answer the question!
Yes, we considered adoption. We know others who have their children and their families solely because of adoption. We have nothing against adoption. For us, however, it just never seemed like the right or practical option.
Our main reason for choosing not to pursue adoption is that it is expensive, regardless of whether you adopt stateside or internationally. From what I've heard, it's more on par with in vitro than anything else, and can be way more costly than in vitro. And so, once we decided that in vitro was outside of our financial capabilities (or at least outside of the financial risk we were willing to take, given that there's no guarantee that in vitro will result in a baby), that pretty much took adoption off the table, too.
We've heard horror stories of international adoptions that ended up being WAY more costly than expected because of corruption within the foreign governments, and unexpected delays and added trips overseas and additional legal expenditures to clear them up. And we know personally of a situation with a U.S. adoption where one of the birth parents suddenly decided to challenge the adoption, adding tens of thousands in legal costs to the adoptive parents' bill to fight back (which, fortunately, they could afford). Thankfully, they won their court battle. My point is, just like we had no guarantee of getting a baby from in vitro, we felt that we had no guarantee of getting a baby through adoption with our financial resources being limited, because of all the unknowns that can arise unexpectedly along the way. For us, it wasn't worth the financial risk to end up empty-handed, just as we felt in vitro wasn't worth the financial risk to end up empty-handed.
That might sound too cold or unemotional to some, but believe me, it was not a decision arrived at lightly. The bottom line, however, is that we have an obligation and a responsibility to the children we already DO have not to jeopardize our ability to provide for them solely because we wanted to have another child.
Aside from the financial concerns, it was the emotional risk involved in adoption that turned us off. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I'm not one who can keep intensely emotional experiences at arms' length. No; with me, once I've given my heart over to something, I'm ALL IN. If we had found a good match to adopt a baby and started that process and then the birth parent(s) changed their mind or something happened to keep it from going forward, I would've been utterly devastated. It's just not something we wanted to risk going through.
And then there's the fact that part of my desire to have another child was to experience pregnancy again one last time. I LOVED being pregnant with Super Boy; it was one of the best experiences of my life, and certainly the most moving and life-changing. I personally couldn't see foregoing that part of having another child. As for Super Man, he comes from a long line of very traditional Italians, who take great pride in their heritage. He didn't know how he'd feel to adopt a child that wasn't biologically, genetically his given that his other two children are.
If we didn't have Super Girl and Super Boy, and if we had found out that our fertility problems were due to something specific that couldn't be fixed, I suspect that we'd both feel very differently about adoption and would've been more willing to pursue it. But since that was not our situation, we were able to look at and then conclude that it just wasn't the right fit for us.
All of that aside, I think adoption is a wonderful option for many and I would never discourage anyone from considering it. In fact, I'd encourage anyone going through fertility struggles to at least spend some time looking into it and talking to others who have experience with it. In the end, however, it boils down to each couple's circumstances and personal feelings about the positives and negatives of adoption and what they're willing to risk.
Thanks again to Theresa for asking that question and opening up a new area of discussion. If any of you ever have questions about our experience, please don't hesitate to ask - I'm happy to answer them!
Be well,
SW
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