at last

I debated whether to write about THIS here, now, or not. But after all the writing I've done about this subject on this blog and over at my original blog, Average Everyday Super Woman, over the past four years, I realize that I can't NOT share THIS. THIS is the whole point of this blog, and I've seen first-hand that me sharing my stories and experiences with secondary infertility has helped others going through it.

So, here THIS is:

I'm pregnant!

It seems so inadequate a phrase for something that has been so fervently wished, hoped and prayed for over the past 4-1/2 years, but it's also been the goal of all of the tears, treatments and waiting, the surgery, medications and frustrations.

Anyone who has wanted and longed and waited for a baby can understand how this has felt, this journey of 4-1/2 years. It was long. It was often lonely. It was confusing, struggling with the question of whether to give up or keep going. The miscarriage in May was devastating, and really became a pivotal point for me.

At first I looked at the miscarriage as God's or the Universe's way of making sure I didn't lose faith and give up -- after all those years of trying and NOT getting pregnant, at least I finally got pregnant: we knew then that we could still make it happen.

And then I wondered if the miscarriage was the sign that while YES we could force a pregnancy with our medical team, it wasn't meant to be and I should accept that and walk away.

Ultimately, Super Man and I decided we'd continue with our remaining IUIs. BUT we agreed that IF I had another miscarriage, we'd get through it and then leave our dream of another child behind and move forward with our family as it is. Oh, that was a painful decision to make... But I know in my heart that I could not go through any more of ANY of it if we lost another baby.

And then...

IUI #4 on 8/25/10 worked.

I found out at my annual ob-gyn appointment on 9/8/10 that I was pregnant again. I didn't think I was; I didn't think that IUI had worked. I felt like my period was coming, although it was one day late. I asked them to give me a pee test just so I could know and be done with it and move on, and lo and behold, the nurse came in and told me the test was POSITIVE. I was pregnant. I was pregnant!!

My hCG numbers were light-years better than those from April. This time, my first hCG was 273.3, one day after missing my period, and my second hCG was up to 688.5, three days after missing my period. My progesterone was 48. Back in April, my hCG was only 27.2 four days after missing my period, and had gone up to just 99.6 six days after missing my period. I have no idea what my progesterone was that time, but it didn't matter: In the end, I lost that pregnancy.

But this one. This one looks like a keeper. At last...

I had a 7-week ultrasound this morning with one of our fertility specialists. I was so nervous all morning. I've felt so different this time, much more pregnant, more like when I was expecting Super Boy, but still. Last time, I thought it was all good and then showed up for the ultrasound only to find out I'd had a blighted ovum.

But this time... My ultrasound showed a growing baby, 7 weeks and 1 day, with a heart rate of 135 beats per minute. I have a picture of the little nut, although it's impossible to see anything in detail. It simply provides the black and white proof that I needed to see with my own eyes: There is a baby, in my belly, and it's alive and growing.

And that's all I need to know for now.

My mom was convinced there were babies. Thankfully, there's just the one baby. Super Man would twitch every time my mom spoke of multiples, although we knew it was possible due to the fertility meds and his family history of twins. As it is, he's so happy and excited, but nervous about being 45 with a newborn, an 8-year-old and a 15-year-old, come spring. I get it; I do. But he's not the only man that age to become a father again, and he surely won't be the last.

I reminded him that it's one of the few drawbacks of him having married a younger woman. He smiled and laughed.

I can't help but think of the irony of the timing of my starting this new blog. I was just going into IUI #4, and although I was hoping for the best, the realist in me was grimly preparing myself for the worst. I had finally forced myself to begin contemplating how I'd cope with coming to the end of the IUI road without another baby, since IUI was literally the end of the road for us. There was to be no in vitro, no adoption, no nothin' beyond our six planned IUIs.

People often asked me why I didn't stop, why I kept trying for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS for another baby. The answer was simple: I always believed there was another baby waiting for us to get the timing & details right. My belief was unwavering. Until the miscarriage. And then I did start thinking that maybe my belief was simply desperate desire & delusion. Now I know otherwise, but I can't help but wonder if my starting this blog and preparing myself for the outcome I DIDN'T want helped make sure that the outcome I DID want would come to pass.

For all of you reading this who are going through your own struggles with secondary infertility, please know you aren't and haven't been alone. Please take this news of mine and hold hope in your hearts that your own good news, your own miracle, is just around the corner. Figure out with your partner how far you're willing to go to have another child, and then resolve to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Hope, hope, hope. And then hope some more.

I am still here, and I will still write here about what our journey to this baby has been like. I don't want to end this blog, and it's my hope that through this blog and through my fertility specialists I can continue to be a resource for others going through secondary infertility. I have no intention of abandoning this cause.

Thank you for reading my words, for pulling for us, and for believing in miracles!!

SW