One of the blogs I've checked regularly throughout our struggle to conceive is "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility", which I also "like" on Facebook. This morning on Facebook they posted a challenge to infertiles not to glare at pregnant women today. I could SO relate to the sentiment, having lived it for all four and a half years we tried for this baby - particularly in the weeks after my miscarriage last spring, when it seemed like literally every female I encountered EVERY DAMN PLACE I WENT was ripe with child, like the Universe was bent on torturing me.
Of course, I always felt bad for feeling so resentful of the pregnant women who crossed my path, particularly since several of them are friends who just happened to get pregnant (one or more times!) in the time it's taken us to conceive this baby. Yes, there is guilt and remorse in my heart for that, as I am sure there is in the heart of every other woman who has struggled with infertility of any kind who has ever felt hostility and/or resentment towards a pregnant woman. After all, they can't help their condition, whether they were blessed with raging fertility or not. And just because they have what we so desperately want doesn't make them bad people. It makes them just like us -- only luckier.
Having had so much time to think about the issue while we tried, waited and failed to conceive and tried, waited and failed to conceive, I found myself making a very crucial distinction in my head about the pregnant women I encountered. There were those who understood what it was like to be in my shoes, either because they themselves had dealt with infertility at some point or they were close to someone else who had, who were gentle in sharing their news, truly seemed to be grateful for their condition, and never seemed to be flaunting it in my presence. And then there were those who were completely clueless, who knew what we were going through and still felt it was appropriate to talk about how "fortunate" they were to be so fertile, to get pregnant on the first try with all their children (or, better yet, to get pregnant even when they WEREN'T trying), and who had the gall to complain about being pregnant or pregnancy side effects every time they crossed my path, not getting at all that I would've gladly given my left nut if I'd had one to be in their shoes any day, any time. I found I could tolerate being in the presence of the former. But I would do whatever it took to avoid being in the presence of the latter.
So, as I sit here almost 22 weeks pregnant, I want to tell all of those reading this who are still waiting for their miracle that I understand what you're going through. I know every emotion that crosses your mind and your heart when you see my belly, and I know that it's like a knife cutting deep. I know this, and my heart breaks for you because I can remember what that felt like more acutely than you know. I don't think I will ever be able to forget that feeling, having lived with it so deeply and completely for so long. I don't blame you for feeling resentful, for wanting to hate me, for glaring at me, because I know the depth and breadth of your heartache.
Just know this: I am you. Despite my complete and utter joy and excitement over our miracle happening and our dream coming true, I still pray every single day for all of the women and couples who are still suffering, still waiting, still praying, still waiting for their miracle. I don't consider myself removed from where you are; I will never be removed from this experience. I am still with you all, shoulder-to-shoulder, praying for babies for all those who want them with all their hearts. I don't take this pregnancy for granted, I don't feel smug for having achieved it at long last; rather, I am profoundly grateful and humbled and awe-struck beyond words. I thank God every day for finally answering our prayers, and I pray that I will prove myself worthy of my children. I'm still with you, and I will always be with you, belly bump or no.
All I can tell you is this: believe. Believe that it's possible. Believe that the timing just hasn't been right yet. Believe that when it does happen, it's because it was meant to happen then, to give you that specific child. Believe, even if others have given up around you. Just believe in miracles.
With all the love in my heart,
SW
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