where do babies come from?

I've got an interesting conundrum to work through as it pertains to my sweet little Super Boy. Here's the sitch...

Back when Super Man and I first started trying for a little sibling for Super Boy, Super Boy was not quite 3 years old yet, so we obviously didn't discuss the situation with him at that point. Of course, given that we tried and tried and TRIED for 4-1/2 years, and Super Boy was growing older that entire time and starting to vocalize his deep and burning desire for a little brother ("or sister, if that's what it HAS to be, Mom") as more and more of his friends became big brothers and sister, and asking why we didn't have another baby yet, and becoming more and more aware of my frequent doctor appointments and medications, I decided to talk to him a little about the situation so he would know that we also very much WANTED to give him a little brother (or sister) but things weren't working out the way they usually do.

I started out simple, starting when Super Boy was maybe 4 or 5, just telling him that we really wanted another baby, too, but we were having a hard time getting pregnant this time. He asked how long it took us to get pregnant with him; I told him it took us just 3 months. He asked what was wrong this time; I told him that we didn't know, and that our doctors were doing tests on both me and daddy trying to see if something wasn't working, but so far they weren't finding any problems. I also told him that sometimes as moms and dads get older, it's harder to have a baby.

When it came time to seek help from fertility specialists last fall, I explained to Super Boy that I was seeing a special doctor who was going to try to help us get a baby in my belly. He asked what they do, and I explained that I would have to take some special medicines and have some special tests done on certain days, and then when everything was just right, Dad & I would each go in to have a special procedure called IUI that would *hopefully* make a baby in my tummy.

Now, I should stop there and mention that Super Boy has gradually learned along the way that moms' bodies work in weird ways. For example, he knows that women have periods, because he had to accompany me into public restrooms for YEARS when he was younger and Super Man wasn't with us, and sometimes saw things we both would've rather he not seen! Rather than lie or not explain why Mommy had blood on her toilet paper and leave it to his imagination (which likely would've led to nightmares of Mommy bleeding to death), I explained to him that when a girl grows up, her body changes and becomes more womanly, and part of that means that her body gets ready to have babies someday, which includes having periods every month. I explained to him that when a woman has a period, it's only for a handful of days, and the bleeding is coming from her uterus, where babies grow, to keep it healthy and ready for a baby. Sometimes a woman will have some cramps with her period and feel tired or cranky, but for the most part it doesn't hurt and it's not a big deal. Once he knew what it was about, he was totally blase about it, and it was no longer a big deal to him.

So, when we began IUI for our secondary infertility, I explained to Super Boy that there were certain days in my cycle after my period when I'd have to take special medication to help my body get ready for a baby, and then we'd have that special procedure when my body was ready, and then if I DIDN'T get a period at the end of that month, that would mean it worked and there was a baby, but if I DID get a period, then it meant our IUI didn't work and there wasn't a baby in my tummy.

Super Boy also noticed that Daddy had a part in some of the things I had to do at the special doctor. I explained to him that in order to make a baby, there has to be an egg (which comes only from the mom's ovaries, inside her body by her uterus), and a sperm (which comes only from the dad's testicles/penis). So Dad had to give the doctors his sperm, and then the doctors washed out the weak or damaged sperm and only kept the best and strongest sperm, and then the special procedure was to inject Daddy's sperm right into my uterus, where my eggs would be waiting. And if it worked, the baby would grow in my uterus until it was ready to be born.

I should also mention here that Super Boy has always known that he had to come out of my belly in surgery, because he was so big I couldn't push him out. And, like most little kids, he was under the impression for awhile that moms POOP their babies out of their butts, but I explained to him that babies grow in their mom's uterus and then are usually pushed out of their vaginas. But with him, he was big and facing the wrong way in my belly, and he got stuck, so I had to have surgery to get him out. He has seen my C-section scar and knows that that's where he came from.

For the longest time, Super Boy never asked anything more about the process, and then when we had our last IUI in August, Super Boy had to go to the fertility specialist's office with me on the day I had IUI (all of my other IUIs had taken place during the school year and while Super Boy was actually AT school, so he'd never accompanied me to their office before).

On our way to my appointment, Super Boy asked if Dad had gone in earlier to give his sperm, and I said yes. Super Boy knows that Daddy hates needles, and he must've assumed that needles must be involved in getting the sperm out because he said, "I'll bet Dad doesn't like doing that because he doesn't like needles!"

I hemmed and hawed for a minute, and said, "Well, they don't actually use needles to get the sperm, baby."

Of course, his next question was, "Then how do they get it?"

While we had been fairly forthcoming with honest answers to his questions up to that point, I was reluctant to explain the process of masturbation to my sweet 7-year-old son, so I said, "You know what? We'll talk about that another time, ok?"

Being the smart and inquisitive little guy that he is, that answer didn't cut it with him. Still, I told him I had to think about how to answer it and promised him that I would eventually talk to him about it.

As I continued driving, I realized that we really DO need to explain the NORMAL process of how babies are made to him, as well as better explain the process WE had to go through this time, because I was loathe to think that my son would think that all this craziness we've gone through in the past year is the usual route to having a baby! So I said to him, "Honey, pretty soon I will have a talk with you about how babies are USUALLY made, so you don't think that all of this that Dad & I have had to go through is normal, ok?"

Super Boy surprised me by saying, "Oh, Mom, I already KNOW how babies are made most of the time."

...{crickets chirping in the background as my jaw hits the steering wheel}...

"Um... you do?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Yes - of course I know!" he answered smugly.

"Okay... so tell me," I said, trying to sound casual.

"Well, moms and dads have to hug and kiss a lot. And then the sperm swims through the dad's mouth into the mom's mouth and into her belly, and that's how a baby is made," he said, rolling his eyes like I was an idiot for not knowing this.

Squelching my laughter, I realized that we REALLY needed to set that record straight at some point!

So I talked to Super Man about it and shared my concerns with him. He is nowhere near as open or comfortable talking about all of this as I am (even with other adults!), and he's inclined to think that kids don't need to know how babies are REALLY made at Super Boy's age. But I disagree. I think it has to be easier to discuss it with them at an age like this, when they ARE old enough to ask questions and want information but AREN'T yet old enough to be mortified with embarrassment at having the SEX talk with their parents because they're not mentally picturing the whole scenario. And the fact that I've always talked about bodies openly and used proper terminology for parts, and I've always answered his questions honestly and as age-appropriately as possible, has set the stage for Super Boy to not feel self-conscious having conversations with me.

Still, I didn't want to rush a conversation that Super Boy might NOT be ready for. And then I ran across a GREAT reminder of how to have the "where do babies come from" conversation with children, in the form of this book: "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle and Arthur Robins. I ordered it and it arrived in today's mail.

Now, I remember reading this book when I was a child -- but not because my parents got it for me or would even DREAM of getting it for me! One of my friends had very laid-back hippie parents who were totally open with her and her brother about where babies come from (and everything else), and she had this book. Whenever I would play or sleepover at her house, I was drawn to the book like a moth to a flame, because I'd never seen or heard ANY of that before, and I found it fascinating. I was maybe 8 at the time, and I remember it making me vaguely sick to my stomach, but at the same time, I was really relieved to finally have the information that had been such a mystery up to that point.

I want Super Man to read it before I share it with Super Boy, but I think it does a pretty good job of explaining the parts and mechanics of the whole thing in a straightforward and not too gross or graphic manner. Super Boy already knows about the parts, but he clearly lacks the understanding of what goes where and how A (the sperm) gets to B (the egg) to create C (a baby) under NORMAL circumstances!

I'm curious: How have YOU talked to your other children about this subject? What resources (if any) did you refer to with them? And how did your kids respond?

Before I sign off, I wanted to share another funny story involving this subject, Super Boy and our baby-to-be. A few weeks ago, Super Boy and I were in the car and, totally out of the blue, Super Boy says, "Hey, Mom? Can I be there when you have the baby?"

Me: Do you mean can you be at the hospital when I have the baby or can you be in the room with me?

SB: Can I be in the room with you?

Me {pausing}: Well... If I have another C-section, only Dad and the doctor & nurses will be allowed in the room. But even if I try to have the baby the normal way, I'm not sure if the hospital would LET you be in the room with us because you're so young. And even if they did... honey, you probably don't want to see all that. It's messy and Mom and Dad will be pretty preoccupied trying to get the baby out.

SB: Is there a lot of blood and stuff?

Me: Yes, blood and other stuff. And the baby won't look very good when it first comes out either, before they have clean it up and cut its umbilical cord and all that. {pause} Baby, why do you want to be there?

SB {pausing to think of how to say it}: Well, I just want to see if the baby, like, POPS out or if it SLIDES out.

I LOVE the way kids think. :)

Yours,
SW