worrywart

I'll be 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow. :)

Every week that pushes me closer to the end of the first trimester helps me breathe just a little bit easier, but I still feel like tragedy is going to strike and take this baby away from me like it did the last. I know how morbid that seems, and yet, I can't seem to shake it.

Yes, everything about this pregnancy has been different - and BETTER - than the pregnancy I lost in the spring. In my head, I know that and I know things are PROBABLY okay. But without being able to peek at this little one every time I feel like something is going wrong, I worry.

The past two days, I haven't been as tired. My breasts haven't been as tender or felt as swollen. I haven't felt as nauseated. I've had occasional, mild... twinges in my abdomen. No cramping, no bleeding - just twinges. I can't help but think that maybe something has gone wrong.

Then again, it could just be that I'm getting close to the end of the first trimester, and my hCG is finally leveled off or starting to drop as the placenta takes over, and THAT might be why my body feels a little more... normal.

I just don't know. And I won't know until I get to my ultrasound appointment in 2-1/2 weeks.

In case it hasn't become obvious to anyone who has read either of my blogs for any length of time, I HATE waiting. Patience is not a virtue I possess, as ashamed as I am for it. I think I've finally figured out that the reason patience is so hard for me is because I'm a first-rate, four-star, natural-born worrywart. I can worry circles around others. I'm a pro at it. I don't LIKE that I worry so much, about EVERYTHING, but alas, there it is. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and I have every reason to think I will continue to be this way until death doth me and my horrible worrying tendencies part. It sucks.

I find myself searching for signs of bleeding twice as often this week. Being afraid to lift even baskets of laundry, just in case things have become tenuous in the recesses of my womb. I even briefly considered calling my OB to see if she could do another ultrasound today, just to be sure. But even I realize how alarmist that is when I have one coming up in a mere 17 days and I'm not even cramping or bleeding.

It's frustrating. I'm at the point now where my regular pants just aren't cutting it but all my old maternity pants are ENORMOUS on me at this point, so I was going to go buy a pair of more modern under-belly maternity jeans this week to get me through the next couple of weeks. But I'm so paranoid that something is wrong that I'm reluctant to go spend money on a pair of jeans I might not end up needing. How pathetic is that?

I keep trying to distract myself. I've been cleaning my house like a mad woman, dusting things I haven't touched in ages, reorganizing the stuff on the bookshelves in the living room, etc. It helps keep my mind off my worries about this baby.

It's days like this when I wish I was one of those women whose feathers get ruffled by NOTHING. From my lips to God's ears...

Fretfully yours,
SW